March 19, 2002
A Summer Place
Guess what? Kyle's folks have a "lake house." That's not just a clever euphemism for the tool shed out by the inflatable kiddie pool, either; it's actually a swanky place that he wants to show off to his Real World roomies. It all works out, too, because the roomies want to ditch that hell hole they've been living in all summer! Kyle enthusiastically sets about about putting together a little summer junket.
There's only one problem. The cast members had planned to leave for the wilds of Wisconsin on a Saturday morning, but Kyle can't wait that long to hang out with his blue-blood family. The always game Keri volunteers to accompany him up north, but Kyle worries that being alone with this "other woman" would not be appropriate. After all, he's supposed to be dating this Nicole person. However, as much as he talks about being nutty for Nicole, it's pretty clear that, for him, Keri is so very.
Kyle's crazy about Keri's pillowy lips. He's crazy about the way she makes him sing "Bootilicious." He's crazy about her "class," especially the classy way she adjusts her bra and bends over suggestively to get something out of a kitchen cabinet. She's like a very classy baboon, presenting her big red rump! As for Keri, she repeatedly tells the camera that she has "no clue" about Kyle's feelings, but this does not prevent her from coyly rubbing herself all over him. "Good night friend," she says as she tucks him into bed at night. Her pause is tres significant.
Realizing the touchiness of the situation, Kyle tries to pressure Theo and Aneesa into camoflauge duty. If they come early, no one will figure out that he and Keri have the hots for each other, you see. "It's Wisconsin, man!" he exclaims to Theo, who remains unmoved. Theo backs out first, claiming to Kyle that he doesn't want to miss another happening Friday night in the city. To everyone else, he admits that he doesn't want to witness the inevitable Keri-Kyle clinch. Evidently, their flirting is so icky, "Don't nobody want to go with them!" That includes Aneesa, who resents being used as a human barrier between "two lovebirds going to hump each other."
And then Kyle receives some horrible, horrible news. Oh, he's tres distraught when girlfriend Nicole breaks up with him! It's only what he's really wanted all these weeks as he ogled Keri's bootie, but was too weak to ask for. It would seem that his conflict is solved Q.E.D., mes amis, but Kyle performs some obligatory moping before decamping for the woods- alone. Keri and her alluring lips remain safely ensconced in Chicago.
My favorite part of the whole episode, though, is when Kyle explains the whole messy situation to his portly, cigar-chomping "Big Dad" and his bored, blonde trophy stepmom. The swimming pool, the fancy furnishings, the huge rock on Mrs. Big Dad's hand- it was all too perfect. These are Kyle's people, darlings.
Oh, and by the way, Tonya's kidneys are acting up again. Cara has to drive her to the emergency room, managing to find every pothole in Illinois so that Tonya can utter a feeble "ow" with each bump and sharp turn. "This is why I went home," Tonya explains, "I didn't want you to see me like this." But she's certainly not shy about it now!
Eventually, Cara finds the hospital and tells the paramedics, "My friend is having an emergency in the front seat!" They rush over expecting a litter of puppies, a major fashion faux pas, anything, but what they find must seem pretty mundane in comparison. Tonya cheers up quickly, however, once her beau Justin arrives in town. She heals so quickly, in fact, that she calls in sick to work, using her best "sick voice," so she can canoodle with her honey. Or, at least, she can "stare at him for hours." Now, that's what I call a dynamic relationship!
Who's Topless? You know what, darlings? I didn't even pay attention this week! Any toplessness in this episode was strictly of the non-titillating sort.
Who Cries? I swear I heard Kyle crying as he peruses his Nicole photos. Either that, or he had just run a mile.
Most Annoying: Kyle says he's conflicted, but actually, he just wants other people to make all of his difficult decisions for him.
Best Quote: Tonya just loves to gloat over her cootchie-coo relationship with Justin; "People search their whole lives for one minute of what we share!" Oui, the neediness, the utter dependence, the blandness- that's what we all want, cheries!
Next Week: Summer heats up at Kyle's lake house!
March 18, 2002
Both the Road Rules and the Real World teams are currently down to eight members each; this means that this week's competition is the final elimination round. But, if you think that's the focus of this episode, dear hearts, you obviously haven't been paying attention to this whole reality television phenomenon. Non! We want to know who's rubbing whose boobies! Tell us who's suffering humiliating illnesses! Show us plenty of crying before the hair color commerical!
Just in time, several of the reality television all-stars, mostly the older, feeble ones, are suffering from an unidentified pathogen. There's nothing to be done but find solace in a buffet of black market Mexican pharmaceuticals. Or, if you're Timmy, you'll look extra pathetic for Robin, the doe-eyed EMT, in hopes that she'll have to administer mouth-to-mouth.
Speaking of mouth-to-mouth, "Back to New York" Mike and Road Ruler Tara seem to be spending lots and lots of time together. In hopes of getting Tara to drop her panties, Mike introduces her to his alter ego, the Miz, "a complete psychotic," who, in his words, "kicks ass." Oh, darlings, a violent nut is every woman's dream!
Tara seems to like all the flexing and grunting coming from her seemingly possessed opponent, however. She divulges that she's on the rebound from a long-term relationship. Mike's eyes light up in contemplation of the effects of gravity upon lacy lingerie. He can only utter, "Wow." Their relationship goes from horseplay around the pool to bosom-rubbing in a matter of minutes. "I really like him," Tara remarks, as the Miz utters a high-pitched squeal and twirls wet tube socks. And who wouldn't, my chickadees? Such panache, such wit!
Of course, in the harsh glare of the south-of-the-border sunshine, all is denied, even as the couple is caught snuggling in bed. When Mike and Tara are interrogated by the show's directors, they stick to the party line of "just friends." Zut alors! What about the reality in reality television? Apparently, it's gone down the crapper with Becky's breakfast. For shame! I hope they feel dirty!
Meanwhile, the kids learn all about their next mission, the dramatically named "Ladder of Doom." They'll compete in this mission as soon as they eat "Dead Man's Breakfast" and brush their "Teeth of Fear." Nonetheless, this mission has some of the competitors spooked; just about everyone's fate in the game depends upon completing this relay. Tara is immediately pessimistic. "I think the Ladder of Doom is my doom," she whines. Or, is she just trying to find a graceful escape from her Miz-ery?
Certainly, her little wrestling escapade seems to be over already. She tells Mike that she feels she's being disrespectful to her ex by indulging in hanky-panky with Mr. Corn Belt, that she should observe some sort of "grace period." As much as Mike attempts to convince her otherwise, Tara's panties remain firmly in place for the rest of the episode.
Some of the other kids are nervous about the Ladder of Doom, but for reasons that are more medical than romantic. Both Becky and Timmy seem to be suffering still, and their partners worry that Montezuma could be sending them home before they're ready. And, of course, New Orleans' Danny is terrified of heights. If this was the Ladder of Dimples, the Ladder of Puppies, the Ladder of Donuts, he'd be okay, my sweets. I guess I don't understand how he ever made it onto the Challenge with his particular phobia.
More than anyone else, however, Tara looks upon the upcoming contest with dread. Her fellow Road Rulers, who could only benefit if she dropped out now, actually try to buck her up. Even with several opportunities to psych Tara out, the other Road Rulers take the high road. It's just that Tara looks so miserable that she's bringing everyone else down, darlings! Tara even cries over her fear of failure. Perhaps she should be more afraid of how blotchy her face gets when she's upset!
On the big day, Becky feels much better, thanks to the mind-power of a "physicist" in San Francisco. That was certainly kind of him to take time off from his muons and gluons, wasn't it? On the other team, Emily, in a true display of team spirit, joins Timmy in feeling horrendous. However, I get the feeling, my bonbons, that everyone feels pretty horrendous once they see the spindly rope ladders strung across those rocky Cabo cliffs. The episode ends on a "To Be Continued" note, as Coral wobbles dangerously with a rather demure "woo-oo-ooo!"
Next Week: Will the Miz meet his messy, untimely end
on the cliffs of Cabo? Of course not, dearies, but we'll get
to see lots of wobbling and gasping.
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?