Mrs Filthy's "Battle of the Seasons" Review


March 18, 2002


Both the Road Rules and the Real World teams are currently down to eight members each; this means that this week's competition is the final elimination round. But, if you think that's the focus of this episode, dear hearts, you obviously haven't been paying attention to this whole reality television phenomenon. Non! We want to know who's rubbing whose boobies! Tell us who's suffering humiliating illnesses! Show us plenty of crying before the hair color commerical!

Just in time, several of the reality television all-stars, mostly the older, feeble ones, are suffering from an unidentified pathogen. There's nothing to be done but find solace in a buffet of black market Mexican pharmaceuticals. Or, if you're Timmy, you'll look extra pathetic for Robin, the doe-eyed EMT, in hopes that she'll have to administer mouth-to-mouth.

Speaking of mouth-to-mouth, "Back to New York" Mike and Road Ruler Tara seem to be spending lots and lots of time together. In hopes of getting Tara to drop her panties, Mike introduces her to his alter ego, the Miz, "a complete psychotic," who, in his words, "kicks ass." Oh, darlings, a violent nut is every woman's dream!

Tara seems to like all the flexing and grunting coming from her seemingly possessed opponent, however. She divulges that she's on the rebound from a long-term relationship. Mike's eyes light up in contemplation of the effects of gravity upon lacy lingerie. He can only utter, "Wow." Their relationship goes from horseplay around the pool to bosom-rubbing in a matter of minutes. "I really like him," Tara remarks, as the Miz utters a high-pitched squeal and twirls wet tube socks. And who wouldn't, my chickadees? Such panache, such wit!

Of course, in the harsh glare of the south-of-the-border sunshine, all is denied, even as the couple is caught snuggling in bed. When Mike and Tara are interrogated by the show's directors, they stick to the party line of "just friends." Zut alors! What about the reality in reality television? Apparently, it's gone down the crapper with Becky's breakfast. For shame! I hope they feel dirty!

Meanwhile, the kids learn all about their next mission, the dramatically named "Ladder of Doom." They'll compete in this mission as soon as they eat "Dead Man's Breakfast" and brush their "Teeth of Fear." Nonetheless, this mission has some of the competitors spooked; just about everyone's fate in the game depends upon completing this relay. Tara is immediately pessimistic. "I think the Ladder of Doom is my doom," she whines. Or, is she just trying to find a graceful escape from her Miz-ery?

Certainly, her little wrestling escapade seems to be over already. She tells Mike that she feels she's being disrespectful to her ex by indulging in hanky-panky with Mr. Corn Belt, that she should observe some sort of "grace period." As much as Mike attempts to convince her otherwise, Tara's panties remain firmly in place for the rest of the episode.

Some of the other kids are nervous about the Ladder of Doom, but for reasons that are more medical than romantic. Both Becky and Timmy seem to be suffering still, and their partners worry that Montezuma could be sending them home before they're ready. And, of course, New Orleans' Danny is terrified of heights. If this was the Ladder of Dimples, the Ladder of Puppies, the Ladder of Donuts, he'd be okay, my sweets. I guess I don't understand how he ever made it onto the Challenge with his particular phobia.

More than anyone else, however, Tara looks upon the upcoming contest with dread. Her fellow Road Rulers, who could only benefit if she dropped out now, actually try to buck her up. Even with several opportunities to psych Tara out, the other Road Rulers take the high road. It's just that Tara looks so miserable that she's bringing everyone else down, darlings! Tara even cries over her fear of failure. Perhaps she should be more afraid of how blotchy her face gets when she's upset!

On the big day, Becky feels much better, thanks to the mind-power of a "physicist" in San Francisco. That was certainly kind of him to take time off from his muons and gluons, wasn't it? On the other team, Emily, in a true display of team spirit, joins Timmy in feeling horrendous. However, I get the feeling, my bonbons, that everyone feels pretty horrendous once they see the spindly rope ladders strung across those rocky Cabo cliffs. The episode ends on a "To Be Continued" note, as Coral wobbles dangerously with a rather demure "woo-oo-ooo!"

Next Week: Will the Miz meet his messy, untimely end on the cliffs of Cabo? Of course not, dearies, but we'll get to see lots of wobbling and gasping.

Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?

This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

How Proust Can Change Your Life: Not a Novel by Alain de Botton