March 6, 2001
I Get A Kick Out Of You
By now, I figured the inter-team romance between James and Rebecca was as dried out and forlorn as that tub of nonfat cottage cheese that has haunted the back of my fridge since the last time I tried to diet. In previous episodes, James was too wrapped up in winning these inane challenges, and Rebecca seemed to reconsider her feelings for him. It turns out, mes amis, that their mutual infatuation was only on hold. Break out that desiccated cottage cheese, for heaven's sake!
Not that James is any less competitive, of course. James feels the need to win something, anything. At one point, James bets Dan that he can blow better soap bubbles. Dan seizes this chance and decrees that the loser will have to run around the buses naked. James is so blinded by his competitive spirit, that he is blinded to what is really going on. But, we, the astute audience, know all too well. First, Dan wants to see James naked. Second, Dan has a knack for blowing soap bubbles. Therefore, James' milk-white fanny is doomed to be chased around the buses by an panting gay man (plus camera crew!), until he's forced to take refuge in a luggage bin.
But that's not this week's Challenge, darlings. Would that it were! Instead, the teams learn that they'll be doing soccer drills with some former Olympians, including one Brian McBride (I have no idea who he is either, my sweets). Susie, the newest Road Ruler, claims to be excited about her first competition. But her rather lukewarm enthusiasm can't even hold a candle to James'. After all, he's played soccer for years; he's also pretended he was Mr. McBride while playing a soccer video game. His whole life has been leading up to this moment; he can barely contain his "stoked"-ness.
That is, however, until James sees what all these drills and exercises are leading to a human foozball field. The players can move from side to side, but not forwards and backwards. Not only is foozball "like 5 year olds in AYSO league" and "not about real soccer," according to James' elitist huffing, but the teams are going to be mixed for this event. Each team, Team Yellow and Team Black, is composed of three Real Worlders and three Road Rulers. This scrambling across the reality-tv divide causes some real consternation among the castmates. Susie whines, "We're just stuck with the enemy!"
The captains of each team get to choose their players. James, captain of Team Yellow, picks his saucer-eyed muse Rebecca, but not until the end of the draft, doubting her speed and strength. During the course of the game, however, James witnesses Rebecca's athletic moxie. Rebecca, in turn, is impressed by James' physical prowess. The flames of like, if not love, are fanned by Team Yellow's victory. We might as well be watching the old movie scene with the fireworks, speeding trains and crashing waves. But no, it's just human foozball getting those hormones worked up.
After the 3 to 2 victory, the Team Yellow members (James, Christian, Dan, Emily, Rebecca and Emily if you must know) each get a thousand dollars stuffed into new sneakers. The members of Team Black (Jamie, Laterrian, Syrus, Kameelah, Susie and Michelle) get new sneakers, but that doesn't stop them from scowling and sighing. It's just not the same without the big check.
Meanwhile, moonstruck James and Rebecca glide across a deserted parking lot, discussing their feelings, making wishes on dandelions, holding hands. Oh, and how can I forget falling into bed in an anonymous motel room? Mais oui! Now that Rebecca has decided that James is a "sweet," "endearing," "sensitive" boy instead of a humorless bullying brat, I suppose anything is possible. She certainly blushes for it, though.
The lovebirds, as Laterrian terms them, are the talk of the
town. Kameelah, Susie and Julie even walk to the hotel, in hopes
of catching James and Rebecca in a compromising position. With
all this attention, will the romance last? Just wait until the
two team have to compete again! After all, James and Rebecca
probably wouldn't have consummated their affections if Team Yellow
Who Cries? Instead of tears, we see smooches and cow eyes aplenty. Darlings, it's just not the same. We can only hope for more crises next week.
Best Quote: When Rebecca says, "I would rather pay 10,000 Monster Dollars and lose well, than lose like a baby," we know immediately who she's referring to.
Most Annoying: It was hard to choose this week. Dan chases James around lecherously, Kameelah wants to spy on James and Rebecca, Susie complains about her first mission. But, when all else fails, I pick James for being James!
Coming Soon: The kids join the Navy! Julie's so excited
that she salutes just like a drunken Shirley Temple!