February 21, 2000
Oh, sweeties, the tension is almost too much to bear! The Road Rules team has nothing but contempt for the Real World team, the Real Worlders are getting pissy and everyone is sick to death of Miss Amaya. What a perfect time to introduce a mission with lots of brutal physical contact and opportunities for serious injury! This week, the kids travel to the University of Southern Florida in Tampa for a football match. Somebody, call an ambulance!
The Real World cast members take some time to practice their passes and catches on the lawn, an entirely new experience for Amaya. She says "Owwwww" and shakes her poor fingers an awful lot. Somebody, call an emergency manicurist! You can imagine the reaction this performance evokes from the Road Rules bus; I'd bet the alligators in the Everglades could hear the guffaws and snickers.
But, all is not well, my honeybees. Piggy calls her boar of a boyfriend, Andrew, who is so very uncooperative that he hangs up on her. While she ruminates on her loserhood, Teck provides a convenient shoulder to cry upon. Will this affect her game performance?
The big day arrives and Amaya pleads with her team not to yell at her. Heather replies, "I'm not about yelling, man," which was certainly a surprise to me. Meanwhile, the entire Road Rules team, especially Veronica, gleefully daydreams about injuring Amaya, aka "the insult to women." The thing is, folks, I have a feeling that the Real World team also has the same daydreams, but is less willing admit it. Still, Mike is guardedly optimistic about his team's chance for success, because he's such a fine athlete. At what, sumo wrestling?
Each team gets its very own Tampa Bay Buccaneer (the Filthy Critic's favorite team) as a coach. Warren Sapp takes charge of the Road Rulers, while Derrick Brooks leads the Real Worlders in a number of football drills. All of this grunting and tackling reminds Teck of the full extent of his virility, and he tells us how he has mastered the three main elements of being a man- sports, chicks and beer. Good for him! Piggy is not so impressed with the game, though; it has too much padding for her own taste. Heather also has a complaint; none of the outfits she's had to wear have been to her liking, especially the football uniform featuring "bootie pants."
The two teams march out onto the field to find that the playing field is a big mud pit, perfectly prepared for some serious wallowing. First, though, Teck checks out the cheerleaders. See what a renaissance man he is, darlings! The game begins in the Real Worlders favor, since Dave is able to grab Dan's flag pretty easily. The most interesting action, however, is on the edge of the playing field where, out of pure girlish spite, Veronica and Amaya play bumper boobs. But once Dan intercepts the ball, the muddy, mucky game belongs to the Road Rulers. Sure, Amaya clotheslines Veronica (If you're a fan of catfights, it's worth seeing on slo-mo!) and gets charged with "unnecessary roughness," but it's an empty gesture. So empty, in fact, that Amaya sits out the rest of the game because of the boo-boo on her elbow. Somebody, get the Bactine! Ultimately, the Road Rulers win 18 to 8 and get the prize money.
The Road Rules team is now ahead in the overall challenge, and you can believe the Real Worlders feel it sorely. They've lost three missions in a row, and moods are as sour as well-used jock straps. As Veronica says, everyone "just needs to chill out." In an impressive move, the Road Rules team ventures into the Real World bus and invites them along to dinner with the football guys. The losers grudgingly accept. There was barely enough room in the bus for all those pouty lips and bruised, swollen egos, let me tell you.
At the restaurant, it's no surprise to see the teams at segregated
tables, but Piggy valiantly attempts to make a peace overture.
Surprisingly, it is accepted immediately. Amaya even calls
Piggy a "sweet pea" and says that she can hang out
with her anytime. Oh joy! Piggy is actually the belle of the
ball that evening and makes a few points with Mr. Sapp. Is it
Piggy's charm, or her access to Spice Girls CDs that he likes?
Either way, he is tres suave, and this bolsters Piggy's self-esteem
enough to convince her to dump her abusive boyfriend. Can we
expect more flirting action from Piggy? I sure hope so, because
all these sports are putting me to sleep.
Who's Hitting Upon Whom? Piggy's quite the flirt with Warren Sapp, the football player who coaches the Road Rules team. He's quite the flirt back, even if he mistakenly believes that they still have arranged marriages in the U.K. Piggy and Teck also hang out in a tent, but the Stealth Cam captures little of interest.
Most Annoying Cast Member? Please, please, please, someone do something so that Amaya doesn't win again. Variety is the spice of life, you know.
Quote of the Week: "You can't play like it's preschool, honey," advises Dave upon observing Amaya's football technique.
Next Time: We'll be treated to swamp buggy races and
a very grumpy Dave.