February 19, 2002
Kissing a Mirror
I know people say that couples grow to resemble one another after decades of partnership, but I've always been skeptical. After all, I'm as big as a chateau and favor Ruby Red lipstick. Does my beloved hubby Filthy look anything like me? Non! And, I like it that way, darlings. To tell you the truth, I'd be scared of a man in a muu-muu.
So, here come Chris and his new sweetheart Kurt. They haven't been seeing each other very long at all; as a matter of fact, theirs is a long-distance relationship since Kurt hails from the Twin Cities. But, by some fluke or twist of fate, Chris and Kurt look exactly alike. Does this mean that they're meant to be together?
Chris isn't so sure. He likes Kurt plenty, but is a bit taken aback by Kurt's hot and heavy pursuit. Chris steps back, tries to slow down, and his reluctance just seems to stoke Kurt's fire. In desperation, Chris invites his housemates along on a date with him and his doppelganger. For heaven's sake, he even includes that void Kyle!
The "date" in question is actually a shindig organized by the Human Rights Council, which primarily concerns itself with the civil rights of gay and lesbian people. Chris asks all his roomies to the benefit, even Theo, who has let his discomfort with man-on-man action be known from the beginning. Theo simply says, "It's not my kind of party," and bows out. After all, there won't be any hot tubs full of nubile hoochies there!
Plus, Theo calls up his minister father to ask if being gay is a sin. His father concurs, and Theo decides that he wants no part of Chris' lifestyle, but he won't interfere, either. He's got his own sins (the aforementioned hoochies) to attend to, anyway, and one musn't overextend, mes amis.
Everyone else agrees to attend the banquet, and that includes Tonya, who seems to be just as uncomfortable as Theo with Chris' sexual identity. She only goes to the "human rights thing" out of curiosity, she makes clear. You won't catch her actually supporting human rights, by golly! "Just seeing a guy in drag, or whatever you call it" practically sends this little Rip van Winkle from Walla Walla into a tizzy.
By the end of the evening, Chris and Kurt are snuggling happily, their relationship on a happy plateau. The happiness of the other Real Worlders is a bit mixed. Aneesa really likes Kurt and thinks he's a positive choice for young Chris. When Kyle reports the sighting of Chris and Kurt "spooning shirtless in bed" to Cara and Keri, they respond "awwwwww," as if they were watching a basketful of wriggly puppies.
Kyle, even though he proudly says "I've known gays on a few different levels," is taken aback by Chris' and Kurt's canoodling. He won't admit it, but the others recognize that he's "weirded out." Anyway, he grabs at the opportunity to bring Keri into his bed. "I just needed someone to sleep with too," he whines. Keri is only happy to be Kyle's teddy bear.
And then, the freakiest thing of all- maybe you'd best sit down, dears. Kurt sends flowers. Theo and Tonya both go into shock at this latest manifestation of Chris' gayness. According to Theo, a man receiving flowers at all is a frightening thing, let alone a man receiving a big tacky bouquet from another man. All that smooching and fooling around are nothing compared to a parcel from FTD! Tonya makes the floral delivery, telling Chris, "There's a gift for you upstairs!" "A gay one!" adds Theo.
I know you're all just itching to hear about the kids' little jobs, darlings. If you remember, only Kyle, Keri and Chris passed the lifeguard exam. Kyle sums up their new positions thus, "Most of the time as lifeguards, we just have to be pricks." Sounds like a blast, doesn't it? Well, all the Real World failures will be painting a mural with a bunch of local kids, a seemingly safer choice. Let's hope none of the tykes drowns in a bucket of paint!
Who's Topless? We see Chris in a variety of Ken-worthy poses: sunning on the beach, lounging in the hot tub, hanging with the beau. And of course, Kyle has his moments sans chemise. Aneesa is the surprise entry this week, providing oodles of blurry flesh for the Real World audience, as she- gasp! changes her clothes!
Who Cries? Alas, this episode is so uneventful that all eyes remain dry.
Most Annoying: It's difficult this week, my duckies, because everyone was too boring to irritate me. Let's just say that Tonya continues to impress me with her monumental dimwittedness.
Best Quote: Tonya cries out in alarm, "Holy shit! My boobs are falling out!" as if she's just noticed. Haven't they been doing that all season?
Next Week: Aneesa's ladyfriend Veronica apparently
carries a lot of baggage. Is she a bellhop?
February 18, 2002
This Time It's Personal.
Sure, Musical Innertube Tango may seem like a harmless pool party game, but that swimming pool is rapidly turning into a bloodbath. Cast members are kicking and clawing their way into those colorful inflated donuts as if they really were drowning. Road Ruler Tara calls the atmosphere "brutal," and Coral calls the mission "the worst thing I've ever done in my life." Does that include hugging Mike, I wonder? Anyway, we're supposed to feel bad for the kids, stuck out there in a swimming pool in Cabo San Lucas.
The physical grappling in the pool certainly seems tres difficult, but for these tender young minds, the psychological grappling might even be worse. If you remember, dearies, Piggy and Chadwick were the first team out of the running. Piggy fully expects the dull-edged ax of revenge to come down on her own neck. After all, most of the Road Rulers hold Chadwick responsible for the ugly direction the game has taken from the beginning. You can almost see those wheels turning in the sun-bleached heads of the other Road Rulers.
The Road Rulers aren't the only ones behaving badly. Stephen seems to be living up to his violent reputation: hitting girls, grabbing innertubes away from opponents and generally behaving like the biggest, greediest whale in the bay. You'd think, mes amis, that the brouhaha engendered from his scuffle with Irene would've taught him a wee bit of restraint, but, by gum, he wants that electric guitar.
The teams are whittled away, one by one. A few people, such as Real World NYC Mike and Road Ruler Adam, are disqualified for hanging onto innertubes too long, but Stephen goes on his merrily violent way, leaving a trail of bruises and contusions behind him. For some odd reason, darlings, his boorishness is completely within the game's limits. And he and Lindsay end up walking away with the victory, much to the dismay of Jisela, who makes all sorts of witchy evil eye faces at him and flips him the bird repeatedly. Rowr!
The Real Worlders are so excited to be actually winning something, they don't notice the weak link in their team unity philosophy. That weak link, my bonbons, is Stephen. Stephen, who celebrated his victory at Musical Innertube Tango by bellowing like a horny elephant seal, is out for number one. "I'm not here to make friends," he snarls. Well, it's probably a good thing that Stephen isn't trying to make friends, because friendship certainly doesn't seem to be his cup of tea. Coral calls him a "jackass," and the normally docile Elka vows to vote Mr. Surly off, if given the chance.
But, you know, the Real Worlders already have their strategy in place, and as long as Stephen isn't at the bottom of the rankings, he's safe. The Road Rulers are still trying to figure out their strategy. Teambuilding or vengeance? Group morale or backstabbing? As always, it's a tough choice; Timmy (aka Harold Ramis' slower twin) is loath to take on the responsibility. He laments being in the Road Rules' inner circle yet again (pauvre baby!), "I'm in the middle of a jam sandwich!"
The Road Rules inner circle is now composed of Holly/Theo, Emily/Timmy and a new team, Tara/Dan. Dan didn't like the tone of the last vote, and now he wants to get rid of the instigators, Chadwick and Piggy. Of course, Chadwick's blushing bride Holly wants to change the rules now that her hubby's on the chopping block. She swears that she wouldn't have voted Yes and Veronica off if she had known the consequences. She calls upon the virtues of fairness and teambuilding.
Coming from Petite Madame Weasel, all of this rhetoric is about as effective as one of those oinking refrigerator magnets from Harriet Carter. Neither one changes the destructive habit it's designed to alter. Indeed, all that noise just seems to inspire greater heights of willful misbehavior. Everyone knows that poor morale is keeping Team Road Rules from victory. Everyone knows that they need a group hug strategy like the Real Worlders have. Nevertheless, the Road Rulers want the satisfaction of revenge, and they will get it.
When Tribe Winnebago is called upon to announce their vote, Holly stands apart from the rest of the Inner Circle and pouts. We know then, dearies, that Piggy and Chadwick are goners. Dan calls it "a more positive step" for team morale, while Josh goes further and calls it "poetic justice." Wifey Holly feels differently, criticizing her teammates for not taking a higher road than she did.
But all is not lost. "We still have him on our side, right? We still have the big guy," Holly reassures Chadwick. Does she mean that ol' meathead Theo? If she thinks God is a Road Rules fan, she's got another thing coming, my sweets. All that cooing and praying- I do believe Holly and Chadwick are in some sort of cult! Anyway, Holly pulls a Scarlett O'Hara and makes a stirring speech vowing to rise again, even as her foundation is burning away.
Meanwhile, the Real Worlders have continued voting off the lowest ranked team, and this time, that bottom rung is Team London, Mike and Sharon. They are sent home with all sorts of hugs and tender speeches about shiny smiles and happy energy. Sharon exhorts her cronies to "Take it to the top!" It may be hokey, folks, but the Real Worlders' perkiness and teamwork has the effect of completely humiliating their Road Rules opponents. Now, that's a strategy!
Next Week: Stephen's nuts are in a bind!
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?