February 14, 2000
This week, the kids are out to prove their bubba proficiency at the Redneck Games in Dublin, GA. It's not as easy as you might think, dear hearts, because true rednecks can always spot poseurs, and when they catch the wannabes, it's usually not pretty. The Redneck Games presents a kinder vision of rural Southern life and sticks to the three basic elements: dirt, pigs and dirty pigs. Still, it's entirely understandable when Teck admits that he hasn't had many good experiences with rednecks and hopes that no event involves being strung from a tree.
The first event of the day is a pig-grabbing contest. Heather B. hates pigs, but Mike seems to be quite the confident pig-grabber. Maybe he's a little too confident; he makes some sun-addled comment about "having" greasy pigs under the influence of alcohol. Is this some twisted private-eye thing? Anyway, everyone manages to grab pigs with much aplomb, although Veronica ends up shivering because she's "so disgusting right now." I couldn't help but wonder how the wee piggies felt. By the way, the Real World team wins that event.
Surprisingly, it's the pie-eating contest that gets everyone's panties in a berry-encrusted bunch. It's not the pie, per se- the kids approach the pie as if the filling was drain cleaner and cow manure instead of blackberries- but the will to win that sets everyone on edge. Dave and Heather each manage to finish an entire pie, but the Road Rules team wins the whole event. Sure, there's an awful lot of pie on the floor underneath the Road Rules table, but you'd think the world was coming to an end from the stink the Real World team raised. Yes admits that the "referee doesn't exactly follow the rules," but thinks that the verdict was fair. For the rest of the episode, the word "pie" inspires angry glares instead of the customary anticipatory drooling.
From there, my sweet valentines, attitudes can only go from bad to worse. The next event is bobbing for pig's feet. Now, in this particular contest, no one is required to eat the pig's feet or rub them all over their bodies, but Amaya decides to take offense anyway. Moments after she mentions the sausage she ate for breakfast, Amaya tries to use the precepts of Judaism to bow out of the competition. "I am not throwing my whole life away for one pig's hoof," she huffs. After Dave, a.k.a "L'il Abner," gives a stirring pep talk, however, she decides to join the team. Believe me, she'll reserve the tantrums for later.
Soon, the Real World team is down yet another one, and they desperately try to regain their team spirit in time for the belly-flop contest. All heck breaks loose once the belly-flopping is underway. While Dave and Yes perform technically perfect belly flops, I was reminded how much skill a good belly-flop takes when I witnessed the girlie, skipping, prancing attempts by some of the other cast members. Teck, on the other hand, jumped like an emaciated frog. He's so skinny that I'm amazed he didn't just float on top of the mud like a water-strider. Teck- big surprise- also started the dubious trend of involving innocent bystanders in the mucky fun. On the other extreme, Mike made a splash that was reminiscent of the parting of the Red Sea. The Road Rules crew wins this event and the 10,000 E-trade dollars. It gives them great satisfaction not to be lagging behind anymore. Dan quips, "Hopefully, we showed a few people up today." Me-ow.
Folks, it's Team Real World's turn to be down in the dumps and to babble on about "getting it together" and "putting it in the past" and any other catch-phrase used by a high school football coach in the last 10 years. Heather B. seems to think that her entire life will be a failure if her team doesn't win the most money, while Dave just rants incoherently. After her performance of the afternoon, Amaya is relegated to the back of the bus. It seems like not many people, except for the ultra-tolerant Kat, are interested in her empty self-help maxims at the moment. To think that this is how I spent my Valentine's Day!
Who's Shirtless This Week? The shirts really start coming off for the belly-flop portion of the competition. At final count, Teck, Dave, Mike and Dan all walk on the shirtless side. Dave actually pulls his pants down to compete in the pig's foot bobbing contest, which seems kinda kinky.
Who's Hitting Upon Whom? No romance this week, alas. Amaya and Kat have become bosom buddies, though. The bosoms, mais oui, are Amaya's.
Most Annoying Cast Member? Once again, Amaya wins the title. When she's not using her religion as an excuse for not wanting to do something, she's blaming everyone else for her failures.
Quote of the Week: "Beef?" Amaya's reply when asked about the ingredients of the sausage she had for breakfast.
Next Time: A friendly game of football?