January 31, 2000
World Whining Federation
My dears, the stress and strain of competition is often enough to divide the closest of friends. Just think of what it can do to a bunch of people who merely tolerate each other for the sake of a few e-trade bucks and cute sportswear! The Road Rules team is currently experiencing some friction, mostly because Los is different from his teammates. You see, he is a cheapskate, while the rest of them are frivolous ninnies. You can see the problem here, sweeties, can't you?
But, a few relationship issues cannot keep the teams from their mission. This week, wrestling is on the menu; if you think to yourself that this seems like an unappetizing dish, you are correct. But, there's a lot of it, which makes this the Las Vegas buffet of television. Each team has its own wrestling coach, who function mostly to encourage aggressiveness and to inform the players that biting and clawing are NOT allowed, even though those are the best parts. Mike seems particularly taken with the Real World team's coach, "a big, beautiful, black man named Hot Chocolate."
The Nashville audience is certainly generous with their applause as the teams enter the hall. But, the cast seems to be even more exciting when they see that Verne Troyer, who played Mini-Me in the second "Austin Powers" movie, is their ref. Dave almost weeps with joy, "He's my boy! He's my boy!" Did Dave give birth without us knowing, or is he just being a presumptuous chucklehead? Heck, why not both?
The matches are chosen from a "Wheel of Wrestlers," and the teams have a number of options. They can wrestle models, scary clowns, teenagers, professional wrestlers or each other. The first match is between Heather B. and Piggy, who have some bad blood from the whole smoking incident from last week's episode. Heather says, "Ten Gs. Bank on it." And, even if you don't like Heather, you probably should bank on it, because she wins that match handily. Piggy is "totally bummed." Of course, language like that should've been a signal that she would be pinned in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Mike and Dan get to wrestle models, but they don't let mere physical pulchritude stop them from flattening these girls in a hurry. Or, maybe the pulchritude helped. I would imagine, however, that the image of Dan pinning Pippi Longstockings is sure to haunt him to his grave. Amaya and Veronica are next, and they get the nightmare assignment to wrestle "mini-wrestlers." These men seem small in stature, but they have enough aggression for someone at least five feet tall. Veronica's midget tosses her around and pins her. Amaya, who is wrestling someone named "Puppet," proves to be the more difficult prey, if only because she's more irritating. She skips around, looking like the Coppertone girl running away from the panty-pulling puppy. But, Puppet, who seems to know all about Amaya's teary tendencies, picks her up and pins her, anyway.
Teck "Ain't No Thing But a Chicken Wing" and Los are up next, and just looking at the two guys, it's pretty clear who will come out on top. Wrestling the skeletal Teck would be like wrestling a bundle of sticks; you might get an eye poked out, but there just wouldn't be that much resistance. Los pins him, no problem, and the teams are tied. Kat and Holly, who are both serious and unrelenting competitors, grapple each other mercilessly. Kat even tries to choke Holly, but don't feel sorry for Holly; I'm sure she would do the choking if she could, mes cheris. Kat finally pins her fair and square.
Dave and Yes have the last match. Yes admits that he has "been looking forward to wrestling Dave for a while." So now he gets his wish; I'm sure I'm very happy for Mr. Spartacus. Yes actually does some impressive throwing and flinging, but it's not enough to win a match. Mr. Troyer finally decides that the match is a draw, and the Real World team is the overall victor. Amaya takes the victory quite personally (even though she was too busy frolicking through the primroses to wrestle) and quips, "Second place is the first loser!"
All of this losing really gets the Road Rules team down. They only have10,000 measly bucks, while the other team has three times as many. Holly expresses her distaste for losing, but Los is just lonely. He is busy doing his thing while everyone else is doing their things. But, isn't that how the world is, my little kittens, everyone out doing his thing and ignoring everybody else's thing? So many things, so little love. Anyway, drama ensues when Veronica, after braving rain and trailer park residents to get pizza, receives only a brutish "Where's my pizza?" from Los. I tell you, those cheapskates have no social graces! Veronica and Piggy both agree that Los is selfish and rude, and Los walks away in the poignant rain. Where is he going? Somewhere where he doesn't have to spend money, you may be sure.
Who's Hitting Upon Whom? Everyone is so unappealing, there's very little action in this arena. I did see Mike (aka Tubby P.I.) give Amaya a good luck peck on the cheek.
Most Annoying Cast Member? Amaya's prancing fit around the ring, twins a-bouncing, was enough to get me off food for a week!
Quote of the Week: Oh, there were so many, my loves. I think my favorite was when Veronica exclaims with disgust, "His armpit was in my mouth!"
Next Time: Shocking! Guys dress like girls!