January 30, 2001
Just For Laughs
Within the first moments of this week's RW/RR Challenge, Kameelah shrieks, "We're going to Canada!" She screams it like she's actually happy about travelling to our frosty northern neighbor; I can only assume Kameelah is either being ironic, or maybe she has a thing for Mounties and donut shops. For their next game, the teams must travel to Montreal for a big comedy shindig. Dan gushes, "It's like the Cannes Film Festival for stand-up comedy!" I guess Canada is tres chic among "The Real World" set this year, darlings!
But at least I'm not the only one cringing at the thought of clumsy comic timing and lame improv games in the Great White North. The Road Rules team has lost every major event so far, and they're not jolie about it. Things don't look too fortuitous for this challenge, either. As a matter of fact, Michelle claims she would rather jump off a cliff than participate in this challenge. And you know what, mes amis? That would probably be funnier.
After all, when the casts for the two shows were originally selected, the more self-involved, loudmouth, wannabe provocative set was chosen for "The Real World." "Road Rules" inevitably ends up with a less histrionic bunch. This strategy can work in the Road Rulers' favor for team sports, but as it turns out, stand-up comedy is best left to the self-involved, the loudmouth, the wannabe provocative. Not surprisingly, the Real World team just gets cockier and cockier about their chances of a ten grand victory; Dan predicts "a bloodbath."
In desperation, Road Ruler James advocates dishonorable behavior and rule-stretching, because of course, the Real World team does it regularly. After all, they win, and therefore they must cheat. He's decided to join them if he can't beat them. In a statement that does not bode well for romance, James gasps, "The sleaziest people on their team are girls!"
Upon the teams' arrival in glamorous Montreal, they are welcomed by some exceedingly nebbish members of the Upright Citizens Brigade and told that they'll get the chance to hone their comedic skills before the big tournament. This means, bien sur, that we'll get the chance to cringe dozens of times, as the kids muddle their way to some rough approximation of comedy. Very rough, as in piggyback rides and spankings!
The Real World team is so pleased with the results of their practice that they begin to pound on the walls and whoop it up like hungry monkeys, effectively intimidating their shyer, more pessimistic opponents. Jamie gloats, "This is a no brainer." And he should know all about no brainers, dearies.
Soon, the kids hit the stage like dog poop on fire. Dozens of paying comedy patrons inexplicably sit in the audience; some laugh, but it's that nervous Milgrim experiment laugh, that "I'm witnessing a man's death" laugh. Poor Christian, who seems to have a goofy sense of humor most of the time, not only struggles with a language barrier, but is harassed by the moderator because of his Norsk-ness. His teammates publicly experience revelations that they are not funny people. Ouch.
On the other team, Kameelah seems to take a special joy in propositioning Julie and giving her stinging whaps on her substantial fanny. And then the whole "Real World" team tells a story involving Afghanistan, blankets and rather energetic spanking. The celebrity judges vote unanimously for the Real World team, who then get the big 10,000 dollar check. Our resident septuagenarian Syrus is voted MVP, and the magic gift wheel says he gets to take anybody else's prize. Claiming some prior loyalty to Kameelah (although they certainly weren't fond of each other on the Boston season), Syrus swipes Julie's Jeep accessories.
So what about the Rebecca and James romance? We last left Rebecca and James in some cross-team canoodling. At least members of both teams assumed the two moppets are making cow-eyes at each other. But you know, darlings, what happens when someone assumes, and James makes a point of emphasizing that they're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Good thing, too, because James is so wrapped up in his team's losing record that he becomes even more unbearable. I didn't think that was possible, my pets! First, he must deal with Rebecca's estranging foozball victory, and then he has to reconcile his team's onstage embarrassment, or in his words "kick in the balls," with his already tenuous self-image. James says that the Real World team has no honor, because they keep winning all the time. "Who wouldn't be having a good time after winning thousands of dollars?" he wails. James also says that he doesn't want to be a sportsmanlike loser, because that means he's still a loser. But, maybe someone should tell him that a sore loser is also still a loser, and ridiculous to boot.
Rebecca, due to some private insanity, has endured this all. And then she asks him if he would rather lose or hurt someone and win. "What, like break a finger?" replies our overly literal dunderhead. When James opines that he'd rather hurt someone and win, Rebecca realizes that she won't be sharing much more time with this future middle manager. "This might not be the match made in heaven," she admits. And that's putting it lightly!
Who's Topless: No toplessness tonight, my little chickadees. Instead, there's a distinct emphasis on the posterior. I should've counted the spankings, perhaps.
Who Cries? No crying, but unfortunately, no laughs either.
Best Quote: "You have to be an intellectual to understand my jokes," claims Ayannah. This statement comes mere moments before she concedes that she's not funny at all. Big burn on all those intellectuals out there!
Most Annoying: Guess who? The producers, by featuring so much of James' sorehead mewling, give me no choice but to put his name on the Naughty list once again.
Coming Soon: The Bunim-Murray bunch invades the set of the movie "Rollerball," soon stinking up theaters near you.