January 22, 2002
It's Raining Men!
It might be January where we are, pets, but in the Chicago 7 universe, it's the height of summer. Instead of bulky parkas and snow shovels, this glowing world features tanned limbs, skimpy clothing and playtime by the lake. And I do mean playtime! It takes about 2 seconds for newly-single gal Cara to spot a moussed stranger named Jason and accost him with her phone number. Of course, Jason probably doesn't seem like too much of a stranger, since he looks just like Kyle and Chris. Everyone looks so darn familiar this season!
Cara spends a few moments worrying about her behavior with guys; she's always had a boyfriend, you see. Evidently, when the rest of us girls were beating boys over the head with our Holly Hobbie lunchboxes, she was already going steady. She tells Chris that she thinks her ego depends on always having a man around, and she wants to "correct that behavior." Chris concurs that she should "correct that behavior," and at this point, the conversation sounds like the talks my hubby and I have about our errant mutt, Scooter.
Add to the mix Cara's ex-boyfriend, Jared. She broke up with him before coming out to Chicago, not because he was a faulty unit, but because she wanted a taste of freedom. She still waxes poetic about his sterling virtues; he's handsome, he's ...well, handsome! But, I'm skeptical about just how wonderful this Jared person is, dearies. Whenever she talks with him on the phone, he lapses into insecure whining, alternating with not-too-subtle martyrdom. Cara tells Jared that it's not him, it's her. She loves him, but she's not in love with him, etc. etc.
Cara's worries don't muss her mascara for long, however. In a wink, Cara and her new beach-beau Jason are strolling through the city. No hanky-panky happens this time, however, because Jason is en route to California and doesn't have time for such things. That's just as well for Cara; she calls him "nothing but nice," which, if you ask me, is pretty damning, mes amis.
More opportunities are on the way, nevertheless. The girls attend a concert, given by a band called "bleep." Evidently, this musical group is all the range, but I must say, I just can't get into it. The lead singer has such a blurry face! But, my chickadees, Cara has been a fan of "bleep" since she was 13 (and already married three times). After the show, her boldness knows no bounds; Cara kisses her rock 'n roll idol and doesn't even mind all that sweat that those rock 'n roll people always seem to have on them.
Suddenly, the other roomies are back home and wondering where that Cara could've gone! Why, she's enjoying a private performance from Mystery Lead Singer at the House of Blues Hotel! When she finally returns home, she's both ashamed of being a starstruck groupie (well, that's what she says, but I don't believe her) and thrilled with her little romp. "There's just like all this testosterone all over my hands right now," she gushes, before swearing never to wash them again. Last season, we had the unsuccessful groupie, Rachel; this year, my sweets, we have the groupie who's collecting bodily substances!
Before we can relax, Cara's old school buddy Nick visits. Cara speaks of Nick like one would speak of an old pair of sneakers, or a well-used La-Z Boy chair, and indeed, that's what Nick sort of looks like, too. Finally, a guy that I can tell apart from all the others! But, Cara and Nick fulfill Cara's prophecy that "friends can sleep together," which doesn't really sound very sneaker-like, or La-Z Boy-esque.
Don't you worry, dears. Cara's marathon love-sessions don't cause a smidgeon of lasting guilt. Cara is single and 22 and feels entitled to 3 dates in 1 week. Of course, being the fuddy-duddy that I am, "dates" to me imply ice cream sodas and holding hands. Cara's version sounds a lot more tiring. Will she keep this behavior up for five more months?
Cara's not the only one meeting men, either. Chris, by the end of this episode, will have come out to his housemates, even though two of them have openly expressed their incomprehension and disgust for the gay lifestyle. Well, Theo, as we've noted previously, doesn't mind lesbians, only the "dudes." And, actually, it's not all "dudes." "I'm not homophobic," Theo explains, "as long as they don't hit on me." Tonya may be the more problematic nut to crack, since she associates the gay lifestyle with "a lot of drugs, a lot of sin."
So, Chris has a reason to be nervous, but it's not as if he's keeping a secret. Actually, one of the major pastimes of the other six cast members is to detail all the ways in which Chris reveals his gay-ness. Does his nice shampoo make him gay? How about his forehead-kissing habit? Evidently, Theo isn't in on these conversations, because he blithely remarks to Aneesa, "I thought we would have a gay guy in the house." When she answers, "You never know," Theo genuinely looks alarmed.
So Chris and Kyle have "the talk," and soon, the whole house can finally put this particular mystery to bed. Chris invites a young man named Kurt to dinner and then introduces him to his fellow Real Worlders. Almost everyone, even Theo, seems to accept Kurt (who, by the way, looks exactly like Chris, Kyle et al). Theo, in particular, seems relieved that not every gay man in the world is out to hit on him. "He knows his boundaries, that's what I like." Tonya remains the only housemate unswayed; she feels terrible about Chris' homosexuality. Just terrible! Just like I feel terrible about her questionable choice of eye shadow, my dears!
Who's Topless? The guys all have an opportunity at the lakeshore to sun their pecs and frolic. Even though Cara is frolicking enough for three girls, she keeps her top on. And, Aneesa is barely to be seen in this episode. So, the guys will just have to bear the toplessness burden for now.
Who Cries? Cara's ex, Jared, makes her cry with his passive-aggressive mewling. As in, "Just realize you're affecting lots of people, including me." And she thinks he's "perfect?" Perfectly icky!
Most Annoying: Like, can Cara say "like" any more than she, like, does already? Like, no!
Best Quote: Cara outlines her priorities before going on a big date, "Kiss me first, then you can show me whatever you want in the city." "Including your penis," Keri interjects.
Next Week: The Real Worlders want to save your life!
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