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January 7, 2003 Birthday Girl Well, the kids are up to their usual hijinks, but I have to admit, I can't get too excited. I, dearies, have the post-holiday blahs. All the decorations are packed away, the cookies are gone, and there's not a decent holiday for months. C'est la vie. I suppose it's a good time for mental re-organization, to focus on things that really matter. Things that matter, my duckies, such as Irulan's birthday! Irulan has her big day coming up, and she's not shy about spreading the news. She opens huge boxes of gifts in full view of the housemates and makes it clear that she expects the same from them. The others are not impressed. Trishelle calls Irulan "needy" for expecting a house-wide celebration, and Frank, ever the soul of logic, reminds us, "You have a birthday every year!" Alton, however, doesn't mind giving Irulan the elaborate birthday she wants- especially after he sees all the thong panties Irulan's mom sent her. When Irulan then calls out, "Alton, look what else my mom sent me!" I was almost afraid to look. However, the suspect gift was only a pair of in-line skates. Alton and Irulan can now become "skate partners," among other things. Indeed, Alton and Irulan enjoy each other's company, skating, cuddling, talking about how casual sex is bad. "Our talks get very deep and very fulfilling," Alton says, right before he tells Irulan that he would never have casual sex because it would sully his integrity. Oh, so that bikini model was your eternal soulmate? All this profundity just makes Alton and Irulan more eager to "spend time" together in bed. There they are, "spending time" one morning, when Irulan's boyfriend calls to wish her a happy birthday. Gabe worries that he might have woken his sugar beet but Alton keeps cool, "I've seen her walk by already this morning, it's cool." He'd be more accurate if he said, "I've seen her wriggle and writhe already this morning." Irulan's birthday is just one thrill after another. She jumps off a 17-story tower (that's 170 feet, the birthday girl is sure to inform us.) while her housemates pretend to be happy for her. This whole birthday thing is such a hardship for them! She goes to dinner with her friends, and we're treated to a silent movie of Alton bringing her flowers. Alas, no one gets tied up and left on the train tracks. By the time the kids hit the nightclub scene, Irulan has had a few too many birthday cocktails. She cuddles up with Alton, but Alton suddenly has a revelation. He's single, he's free! All this time, he's been wary of getting too wrapped up in his crush on Irulan. Now he has a solution in his sights- Carrie the Schoolteacher! Irulan is a little huffy about Alton ditching her for a schoolmarm, but she's so drunk that she soon collapses and is out of the picture entirely. Alton and Carrie go up to the penthouse, where Alton, after checking on Irulan, is blunt. "I sooooo want to have sex with you!" Carrie admits that she hasn't made love in a year. When Alton replies that he's been celibate for over four months, Carrie is so shocked that her clothes magically fly off. Let's just say that Alton won't be able to use that particular line for four more months. Of course, there's no such thing as privacy in the Real World house, and before Alton is even awake, the cast members are eagerly discussing his conquest. And that's not the only topic of conversation, darlings! Steven announces, "Alton has the biggest penis in the world." He's so overwhelmed by Alton's prodigious member that he practically sells tickets to the rest of the household so they can take a peep. But what's really freakish is the goo that's all over Frank's face. Was he cleaning out the fridge with his tongue, or something? Carrie leaves quietly, although since everyone knows about her, she might as well have led a naked parade through the casino. Irulan, upon awaking from her alcohol-induced coma, hops into Alton's bed to discuss her drunkenness. Alton says nothing about his private tutoring session at this time, not wanting Irulan to feel uncomfortable. He certainly doesn't think to warn her away from the wet spot, however. Arissa, needless to say, is incensed at Alton. She seems to be under the mistaken impression that Irulan and Alton are betrothed, or at least going steady. How dare he, as a single man, meet another woman and have sex with her! She makes a point of venting her feelings to everyone except Irulan and Alton. The good news is that no one really seems to care. Even Irulan, once Brynn tells her the news, isn't all that upset. She, after all, has a boyfriend, and it's not Alton. As a matter of fact, she even calls said boyfriend up to tell him all about the intra-household cuddling. Irulan does tell Alton to be more honest with her from now on, but there aren't any fireworks. Arissa must be so disappointed. Who Cries? Even Alton is able to keep his tear ducts dry this week! Most Annoying: Even though she's a minor player this week, I'm going to pick Arissa. She pretends that she's acting honorably by not telling Irulan about Alton's dalliance with the schoolmarm, but bends everyone else's ear on the subject. Birthday Gift Tip of the Week: Feel obligated to give a birthday gift, but don't feel like spending any money? Just add your name to an already existing gift, a la Frank! Get the credit without using your own credit card! Best Quote: Irulan clearly cherishes her birthday memories. "I don't even want to remember anything past puking a lot," she mutters blearily. Next Week: The kids go Down Under, and everything is
topsy-turvy. It's the perfect time for Frank to make his move
on Trishelle. Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?
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