Randy Shandis

A very Special Message from Big Empire Publisher
and owner of Randy Shandis Enterprises,
Dr. Randy Shandis

Guess who is making money hand over fist? Did you guess me? If you have a brain in your fat heads you did. Just call me Randy Shandis, media mogul. Make that "multi-media" mogul. So, I had the Gift Electroniqué for quite a while and, thanks to advertisers like Mr. Sofa Guy and Mr. and Mrs. Discount Logo Makers, I started seeing some real money coming in. Not a lot, but enough to get me some hookers and still pay the electrical bill.

Well, you know your old pal Randy Shandis -- why settle for a little of a good thing when you can have a lot? So, here it is: the Big Empire. I bought the domain off a couple of teenagers for $150. I got a bunch of stupid kids working at slave labor wages putting together crap for you to look at. I don't know what they do, I don't even pay attention to that. I don't care, actually. What I care is that you little people keep coming back. That's where the cash is. Because pretty soon I am going to start selling some crap through the site that you won't be able to resist. The Big Empire is going to be your one stop shopping destination. Here's what I got on tap for you:

  • Pornography by the truckload. Not cheap, raunchy crap, but real classy stuff. Like celebrities caught in the act. Hell, I saw what other people were making on the Pamela Anderson video and I knew I needed a piece of that action. Get ready for Sherman Helmsley, America.
  • On-line gambling. I'm making arrangements with some nice fellows offshore that will let you have all the fun of Vegas while you're sitting in your underwear at home. Best of all, I get some of your action.
  • Phone cards... with my picture on them. I'll sell you long distance calling at the lowest rates available: 44 cents a minute! Coming soon, so don't call your mom yet.

But finally, here's the biggest Internet scam of all: we're going public. That's right, you the kind folks at home can have the pride of ownership in the Big Empire. We'll be making an Initial Public Offering of 250,000,000 shares at $20 a share. That'll give us a market capitalization of five billion dollars. The number is a little low, but I want our loyal customers to get a fair deal. I myself will be holding back 250,000,001 shares in my own name. This is for quality control. It's an exciting time, that's for sure... an exciting time to buy a big boat and a mansion. And I owe it all to you, the little people that have made me a wealthy man.

Who wants a beer?

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Randy Shandis, Publisher

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