by Dan

  Chapter One: Julie's Morning

Julie had been dreading the first day of school since it had ended in in June. It had always been hard to say goodbye to the long days spent on the beach and the lake, and the illicit love affairs she had with small amphibians. But this year was different. It was worse.

"Julie? Are you getting ready for school?"

She was. The fifteen-year-old sophomore looked in the bathroom mirror and grimaced. She hated the way she looked: plain. Not that she minded plain. It was okay...for other people, but not for her. No, she believed that a beautiful young woman was inside her, screaming to get out. Sometimes she could feel her moving around in there.

"Julie? You're bus will be here in a couple of minutes!"

"I'm coming Kelly. Just chill." Her mom could be such a drag at times. But their relationship was thoroughly modern; Julie even called her by her first name.

"Bye, Kelly!" she yelled as she dashed out the front door.

"Bye, dear. Have a good time today."

The weather was nothing like what she was used to in Hawaii. But there was little she could do about that. Even though they had been living in Pittsburgh for two months now, she just couldn't get used to the weather. But that was the farthest thing from the adolescent troglodyte's mind as she stood at the bus stop waiting.

Julie was more concerned with new people and new situations. The trials of a new school. Would she fit in? Would she be the object of ridicule? She didn't know. Do you?

It seemed like minutes before the bus finally came, and minutes more before it stopped in front of Flower Valley High.

"Thank you," she said sweetly to the bus driver as she disembarked.

"Gurmp," he muttered.

Julie turned to face the school and gulped a gulp of anxiety. As she did, her gum snapped half-way down her throat. She coughed and gagged, and suddenly, the piece of chewed up gum shot out of her nose. So this was Flower Valley High!

Getting herself together, Julie walked into the building and to her first class.


Chapter Two: First Encounters

Julie steeped quickly into her first class. Although she was ten minutes early, the class was entirely filled. Everyone in the class had been talking and joking, but as Julie entered they all became silent and stared at her. She blushed and hugged her books.

"Are-are you Mr. Bunnywunkins?" she asked timidly of the stern looking, balding teacher, "I'm Julie. I'm new here. I'm in your class."

"Yes," he said looking down his nose at her, "take that seat in the dead center of the class so that everyone can stare at you."

"Where should I take it?" Julie asked innocently. The class began laughing. She suddenly understood what Mr. Bunnywunkins had meant and she blushed and shuffled to her seat.

"Oh, you can be so stupid," she thought to herself. The class, Geography of very Foreign Countries, seemed to last fifty minutes. The bell rang and the teen was relieved.

And so the day passed, until lunch.


Chapter Three: How to be Popular

Lanell Perkypoms strode confidently down the hall. She was a sophomore and already captain of the drill team, pep squad, Kiwanettes, and the Xerox Corporation. Her "Pocket Rockers" jingled as she walked. They were so cool. They were miniature tapes of hit songs that you could wear like jewelry and play on these cute little tape players. Today she was wearing Hanson, Backstreet Boyd, and Pink Floyd's debut hit song, "Learning to Fly." Her virgin Pina Colada lip gloss shone in the sun.

Biff Radd was just bouncing down the hall toward her on his new Pogo Ball. His jams and "Maui & Sons" T-shirt were flapping in his wake.

"Hey, Lanell," he called, "Yo, baby!"

"Totally!" she replied.

"Duude! Yea, bro!"

"Radical! Uh-huh!"

"Way cool! See ya!" and he bounced away down the corridor, leaving her heart aflutter.

Next Lanell found her best friend, Lisa Brunette. Lisa was captain of the cheerleaders and the spirit club as well as the senior commission (although she was only a sophomore). Her well-formed body continually caused the entire football team including the coaches, waterboys and those guys that throw the little flags in the air whenever there's a penalty to gape and whistle whenever she walked by.

The two gorgeous underclasswomen sat down to have lunch looking more like 22 year old covergirls than sixteen year old students. In fact, if you didn't know better, you'd swear that they actually were 22 year olds and I only used them in this story because I couldn't find any really attractive high school sophomores.

"Like, totally full-on!" sighed Lisa.

"Yea, and, like, yea." Lanell deftly replied.

"Oh, no, but really!" quipped Lisa with a certain fire that she captured excellently in her speech.

"Wow!" heaved Lanell with infinite emotion.


Chapter Four: The Dastardly Plan

"What are we going to do for some fun?" asked Lanell of her equally tall and ravishing friend.

"I know." said Lisa, "Let's find a new girl who is plain of face and then tell Biff Radd to pretend to be in love with her which will make her very happy and secure, at which time we can tell Biff to tell her it was all a joke and that she is really ugly, thereby crushing her and giving us a big laugh."

"Tubular!" said Lanell as she applied a fresh coat of lip gloss.

"Hey look!" shouted Lisa pointing at Julie who was sitting all alone. She was eating her P.B. & J. quietly.

Julie sat alone and downhearted. Somehow her sandwich just didn't taste good. Even the carrot sticks failed to cheer her up. Here she was at a new school, ready to make a new name for herself, and it just wasn't happening. Here she could be queen of the prom. Here she might be popular. Here nobody remembered that time she dressed out for P.E. and someone had told her to wear a jock strap on her head. How was she to know it wasn't a hair net? That truly was a mean trick, and she never did forgive her coach for fooling her so.

And here, she was still alone. If only she could be popular. If only she could meet a rad guy who would fall instantly in love with her.

Suddenly her reverie was broken. She looked up to see the most handsome man ever smiling down at her.

"Hi," he said, "I'm Biff Radd."

"You sure are!" she sighed quietly as he sat down next to her. She did not notice two very mature looking sophomores laughing in sadistic glee only a few yards away...


Chapter Five: Forever and Ever

"Yea, so, yea! Uh-huh!" said Biff trying not to laugh and spoil the prank.

Julie cleared her throat. She was actually going to have a conversation with this magnificent stud puppet. She took a deep breath and spoke.

"Like, awesome. Bogus, dude."

Biff was surprised. It was unbelievable. He was in love. He gulped. Had she actually said "awesome" and "bogus" in the same breath? No, it must have been a fluke. He decided to try her again.

"Hey where's the party?"

If she answered this right, he would know it was no chance occurrence.

"Bitchin', dude! Word!"

Biff melted. It was unbelievable. He WAS in love. He gulped. Now he had to tell her the truth about why he was there even if it meant hatred. He had to know if she could love him anyway and he explained as best as he could the dastardly plan of Lisa and Lanell.

Julie slapped him as hard as she could. It just seemed like the thing to do. But she still loved him and told him.

"I still love you."

"Well, I'm not done confessing yet, actually," Biff said as he leapt to his feet. "My name is not Biff. Really, it's Bleem and I'm from the planet Gork. You must return with me to my planet because I want to run some tests on you. We'll have to shave your head. I hope you don't mind."

Bleem turned to the sky and flipped a secret switch on his watch causing an immense space ship to descend from the sky. A door opened and Bleem dragged the teenager kicking and screaming into the craft.

The door closed and, with a roar, the ship ascended and vanished into the afternoon sky.

"Whoa," said Lisa thrusting her chest outward.

"Totally," responded Lanell, "totally."

The End?

 Big Empire

 Post-it Theater

Filthy Critic 

Mrs. Filthy 

 Be a Big Empire Buddy!


 Gift Electroniqué


 Las Vegas


Who are we? ©1998 by Randy Shandis Enterprises Questions and Comments?