Voyeurs one, voyeurs all, welcome again to a private peak
at the "Chat" sessions in which yours truly, Matt, participates.
Understand, please, that I get no pleasure from conversing with strange
and unclean global neighbors via computer. Rather, I act as the guinea pig
in the vast laboratory of the Internet. And the diseases and illnesses I
pick up and suffer from, you may relive vicariously.
In this issue's journey, I enter a "chat room" as the innocent,
wide-eyed Lemoncarp, a 27 year old woman. Are you ready for
The Best Date Ever
Lemoncarp : Hello everybody.
RUNNER : Hello
Lemoncarp : Are we talking about what we think will be our best date,
or what has been?
Lemoncarp : Once I threw up right after a very good date, does that
count? I mean, is the vomiting part of the whole date experience?
RUNNER : I am still looking for the best...
Lemoncarp : Because, I vomited from eating a piece of the guy's pants,
but it's a long story.
RUNNER : That could be a good thing or a bad thing, Lem
Lemoncarp : Well, eating the pants was entirely an accident.
RUNNER : Then it was probably a bad thing.
DJ131 : Any ladies wish to talk with DJ who is 39 and from NC?
Lemoncarp : And they were flannel, very easy to eat, not like denim,
which you would figure out right away.
JDfoxy : My best date was when my guy touched me.
Lemoncarp : What did he do when he touched you, Fox? Did he touch
you on the head?
Hell96 : WHERE DID HE TOUCH YOU AT?
Lemoncarp : Did he tickle you? That kind of touch? Like, or did he
punch you in the gut and make you vomit?
RUNNER : I am here.
Hell96 : I'M HERE.
Shelltear : I'm here!!!!
RUNNER : Any ladies want to talk?
Hell96 : SHELL, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
Lemoncarp : Nobody answered my question about the vomiting.
RUNNER : It was not a good thing...
Lemoncarp : Once I fell in love with this guy at the amusement park
and we went back to his car and listened to music tapes on his car stereo
and drink fruit punch out of plastic cups.
DEANDOMAIN : Hello, everyone
Hell96 : HELLO
RUNNER : Hello, Dean.
Lemoncarp : It was great but then he asked if he could drive over
my leg, because he wanted to see if it hurt.
RUNNER : Not a good thing.
Lemoncarp : So, at first I said no. But he was so sweet.
DEANDOMAIN : Was he serious, Lemoncarp?
Lemoncarp : He was serious. He had new tires and wanted to check
them out. He had a Camaro.
KCJaxx : What a real man.
DEANDOMAIN : What did you do?
RUNNER : Sounds like a dick to me...
Lemoncarp : I did finally let him drive over. I made him do it with
my leg in the dirt so it would hurt less.
DEANDOMAIN : Was that your best date ever, lemoncarp?
Lemoncarp : I mean, it was a mistake, but I liked him so much.
RUNNER : Lemon, I think you goofed.
KCJaxx : Was this the best date ever?
Lemoncarp : I broke my leg, really. But he drove me to the hospital
and he apolgized a ton. He felt awful.
RUNNER : That don't make it right...
Lemoncarp : I know, but then we went out a couple more times and
he never asked again.
DEANDOMAIN : Let me show you a real date, Lemon?
Lemoncarp : I got spooked when the guy would cut little cuts in his
fingers and then suck the blood out. Is that normal?
RUNNER : No
DEANDOMAIN : I would say not.
KCJaxx : Yes, in real men it is.
Lemoncarp : Is it weird that I miss him?
DEANDOMAIN : Yes.
KCJaxx : More of a man than Lemonhead was dating.
Lemoncarp : Has anyone ever dated a Trekkie? I only ask because I
wonder: do they all have to wear those ears to bed? And do they all scream
"beam me up" when they have their orgasm?
RUNNER : Lemon, sounds like the people you go out with are less then
Lemoncarp : What do you mean, Runner?
KCJaxx : Are you in a mental institution?
Lemoncarp : No, I am in Denver.
KCJaxx : Must be the high altitude.
Lemoncarp : Dean, why should I be in an institution? That is a rude
thing to say.
DEANDOMAIN : I know, I apologize
Lemoncarp : I am not the crazy one. It is men. Ladies, help me out
here. Aren't men all crazy?
RUNNER : LDNAVY says men are CRAZY.
Lemoncarp : But I am just a secretary. Every time I go to the sex
clubs I meet some weirdo.
KCJaxx : Sex clubs?
RUNNER : I want to go next time (with you).
Lemoncarp : You know, sex clubs, where you go and meet other people
that want to have sex without attachment.
RIGHTY : Where are those sex clubs?
RUNNER : Sounds good
DEANDOMAIN : can you have sex in the clubs,or do you have to leave
Lemoncarp : There are two in Denver. There is Pork Belly Rod's out
on 104th and Linda's Hoochie in Aurora.
RUNNER : Tell us more...
DEANDOMAIN : Which one you go to?
Lemoncarp : You can rent a room for sex, but that is tacky. I like
to leave and go to a motel with dirty movies.
KCJaxx : Can I get some coochie at Linda's Hoochie?
Lemoncarp : Everybody get's coochie at the Hoochie. That's what it's
Lemoncarp : I like Linda's Hoochie best because the airline pilot's
DDDenemy : Any females have any great dates to tell me about? I am
sure I can find some
DEANDOMAIN : Ask Lemoncarp about hers.
KCJaxx : No, don't.
DDDenemy : Lemoncarp? Explain.
DEANDOMAIN : I want to hear it again.
KCJaxx : Dont go there.
DEANDOMAIN : Yeah, go there.
DDDenemy : Now I have to know.
Lemoncarp : It's nothing. I was just talking about the sex clubs
I go to. Nothing really, just sex.
DDDenemy : Start typing, please.
DEANDOMAIN : No, Lemoncarp, the other one about the car tire.
DDDenemy : Pick one.
KCJaxx : I think we were talking about the guy that sucks blood.
Lemoncarp : Well, I know of two sex clubs, actually I know more,
but I go to two that are classier. I didn't meet the blodsucker at the sex
club. I met him at the park.
DEANDOMAIN : What were you doing at the park? Tell the truth.
Lemoncarp : I went to the park for sex. You can always meet the ferris
wheel operator behind the food stands.
DEANDOMAIN : Lemoncarp, how old are you?
Lemoncarp : I am 27, why?
KCJaxx : So, have you tried any of the Broncos, Lemon?
DEANDOMAIN : Probably the whole team.
Lemoncarp : The Broncos? I am not into bestiality, but my roommate
once humped a mule.
Tray14 : I hope this is a nice room :(
Lemoncarp : Last night I went to Linda's Hoochie and met two nice
guys. A United Airlines Pilot.
KCJaxx : And..........
DEANDOMAIN : Tray, it's far from being nice.
KCJaxx : :)
Lemoncarp : Anyway, the United Airlines pilot left before I woke
up this morning. But he gave me some flight vouchers and that was pretty
Tray14 : My, my...and all I want is a friend!
Lemoncarp : The second guy passed out while he still had chewing
tobacco in his mouth. And he ruined my new sofa cover.
Tray14 : I got set up on the blind date from hell.
KCJaxx : Tell us about it.
Lemoncarp : What's the blind date from hell? Did you sleep with the
person? I would have.
Tray14 : No. He was a loser. Sat in a cafe and he talked about his
Lemoncarp : How was he a loser? I think loser's are cute.
Lemoncarp : What kind of car?
Tray14 : His car, his car, his car.
Lemoncarp : What kind of car? Did you ride in it? Fast car?
Tray14 : Slow car.
Lemoncarp : Expensive car?
Tray14 : Cheap car.
KCJaxx : Was it a Pinto?
Butchy : What make?
Tray14 : And he was UGLY.
Lemoncarp : Hmm. He does sound like loser. Was there room for sex
in the car?
Tray14 : Lemoncarp...you really do need a room to yourself ;)
Lemoncarp : No, I need a room with about three Chippendale's dancers.
Sean6000 : Hello?
KCJaxx : Good luck, Sean.
Tray14 : All the good guys are taken
Butchy : Sorry, another sip of beer
Sean6000 : Gool luck...what?
Tray14 : Nevermind
Lemoncarp : Hi, Sean.
Sean6000 : Hi, Lemon...
KCJaxx : Stay away, Sean. Trust me.
Sean6000 : What's your deal?
Lemoncarp : Yeah, KC, this is the best room I've ever been in.
Lemoncarp : So, do you guys want to hear about my graveyard date?
DEANDOMAIN : Hell, yeah.
Tray14 : You did it in a graveyard? That's sick. Sex should be shared
with those you love.
Lemoncarp : We didn't do it on the lawn or nothing. There was an
open above ground tomb.
Tray14 : And every date doesn't have to end with sex.
Sean6000 : Why not?
Lemoncarp : I agree. Sometimes heavy petting.
Tray14 : Sex with love is so much better. How can you pet with just
Lemoncarp : Anyway, the guy thought he was a vampire. I thought it
was a gimmick. But he really did think he was.
KCJaxx : Is this the guy that tested his new tires on you?
Lemoncarp : No, the tire guy and broke up. That sucked because
we were engaged.
Tray14 : Get ready your ignore buttons people.
Lemoncarp : I can't tell you the number of times I have been engaged,
and then the guy goes nuts and disappears.
Tray14 : I wonder why
Lemoncarp : Tray, I get the feeling you are nasty or something.
Tray14 : No I just don't like people who disrespect sex.
Lemoncarp : I respect sex. Differently than you, I think, but I certainly
Tray14 : Sure you do...
Lemoncarp : Okay, you aren't nasty, just overly judgmental.
Sean6000 : What do you mean by "disrespect", Tray?
Tray14 : I'm just sick of society being like this.
Lemoncarp : Tray means disresepct as in not exactly how she sees
Tray14 : No I mean youv'e gone on about it for the past ten
mintues talking only about how many times,how many people...And, quite frankly,
not everyone cares
DEANDOMAIN : Get her, Tray
Lemoncarp : Now, I am really hurt.
Tray14 : It's just that you didn't take a hint before.
Lemoncarp : I am confused. It seems I can't find friends anywhere.
I am not being mean. I am trying to be friendly. Maybe I am not right for
this room. Maybe what my mom told me was right.
Matt is an accomplished pianist and enjoys the brisk whip of the winter
air across his saliva stained mouth. Ask
him about it.