I keep hearing the analysts say the Internet is like an old gold mine. It's practically tapped out and the only people left trying to mine it are the grizzled veterans with nothing better to do. I disagree. I think the Internet is like a fine old bottle of wine, and I'm just starting to get drunk. Sure, the amateurs don't know how to make money, but I got ideas pouring out of my ears. Here are a few ways your old pal Mr. Shandis is going to make a mint.
"CRAM" TECHNOLOGY
Everyone is trying to market "push" technologies, where customized information is "pushed" to customers through e-mails. Well, if there is anything I have learned while selling poorly-maintained apartment buildings, it's that pushing isn't enough. You have to CRAM the stuff down people's throats. I can't tell you the number of times I had to cram a property down someone's throat before he finally caved in and bought it.
I believe there is a strong demand for similar unwanted services on the Internet, the most efficient means for delivering garbage and anonymous threats. My new web site AButlerDidIt.com is a perfect example of cram technology. We reveal the endings to mysteries and movies people haven't seen yet. Readers go to the site, type in the title of the book they're reading, and we'll spoil it for them. Or customers can send the endings to book-lovers. What better way to tell a mystery buff "I love you" than by ruining her summer? Although nothing is set in stone and Amazon.com seems to have blocked my phone number and e-mail address, we are developing a strategic partnership with the online retailer. Anytime a customer buys a mystery novel from them, we will reveal the ending in an e-mail titled "Important information about your injured child!" You can bet those people will remember who we are. We will also send e-mail to random people, giving away the endings to mysteries and then telling the recipient "If you liked this ending, why not buy the book?"
How will this site make money? I'm not worried about that right now, and you shouldn't be either. During its infancy, AButlerDidIt.com will focus on becoming the dominant name in ruining people's good times. Our slogan, "What we do isn't illegal, just poor sportsmanship."
B to S
The first hot Internet sector was Business to Customers (B to C), and after that got old, the analysts were on to Business (B to B). I see the next big opportunity in Business to Shit (B to S). B to S not only removes the middleman, it removes me, you, and our gastrointestinal tracts. I already see many of the big e-commerce sites shifting their focus on going to shit, but I think there are still too many middlemen. I propose a site that cut out the illusion of dealing with commerce or business and heading straight for shit. The site will lose money from day one. Not just a little money, but more than any other web site. And that's how I make my dough. I charge venture capitalists an arm and a leg to let me lose their money. Now, if that isn't a proven business model, what is?
Yahoo!Plus
The Yahoo! web directory is wildly successful, so why not imitate it? The only reason not to imitate it is because we can do better. Yahoo!Plus will be identical to Yahoo! in every way and offer all of the same services, but not before we give every visitor one thousand dollars and magical powers. With Yahoo!Plus you'll not only be able to find a good Thai restaurant in New Jersey, you'll be able give your enemies a stabbing pain in the gut.
BadMedicalAdvice.com
Does your left leg goes number when you stand? Sounds like you need a haircut! You have a cut that won't stop bleeding? Well, for God's sake, remove your appendix! The real appeal of BadMedicalAdvice.com is that I will undercut the price of any other site giving bad medical advice by hiring Guatemalan six-year-olds to diagnose you. What's more, they'll sell you prescription drugs through my offshore pharmacy.
I hope you now see that Mr. Randy Shandis is not just another boring executive. I'm a man on the go, making money and selling you the services you so desperately don't care about. I'm Mr. Shandis, and Bill Gates better remember that.
